Tragic's Wake

A few friends suggested that I should do this as just about every blogger has at some point, I was too cranky to do much else today so here it is! I’d wager that even those who know me very well might be surprised at a few of these entries…

1. I swear far too much, in my writing and in my life, I don’t see swearing as vulgar or crass though, I see it as expressing a deeper emotion, its like ‘italics’ or ‘bold’ for my emotions, it emphasizes and really–its only just words.

2. I am alarmingly Liberal in my personal politics, in fact I’m generally so far Left that I’m almost falling off the edge. The only place that I could really be called Conservative is in matters of crime and justice–I really do believe that we mostly let off criminals far too easily and especially in Canada, our entire system needs a complete overhaul.

3. I’m online to connect, to meet people and to make friends. I actually don’t believe in using the term “IRL” (In Real Life) because being online IS “Real Life” its just different than say, going to a bar or a library in that–you don’t physically go. When I’m chatting with you, make NO mistake–I’m real and I really am chatting with YOU.

4. I hate radishes, brussel sprouts and liver.

5. I’m really fucking random.

6. I’m a feminist but not in the way you’d expect. I don’t believe in acting masculine or hiding my unique female traits to empower myself. I think that its perfectly OK to wear pink and to appreciate frilly clothing and fancy makeup. I allowed my daughters to play with dolls and dress up as princesses. I don’t think those things hurt any young girl, as long as her mother cares and takes the time to open communication and discuss with her daughter just what equality and women’s rights really are.

7. I don’t believe women’s rights means subduing men to get places in life, equality means being equal, not getting ahead of a man because you’re a woman and you deserve it based on whether your genitals are an innie or an outie…

8. I’m terrified of businessmen, men in suits-I don’t know why, they’ve always scared the shit out of me. Except mafia looking types, they make my loins quiver.

9. I’m pansexual, A person’s gender means very little to me and I can become attracted to any gender presentation or identification. I Fall in love or lust with their soul first.

10. I choose monogamy because it feels right for me. I don’t judge those who practise polyamory and I don’t judge swingers, in fact I understand and agree that it spices things up at times, it is something I would definitely consider exploring further in the distant future but it would always be a 50/50 thing with my mate. I wouldn’t ever do it alone, wouldn’t him to do it without my presence and it wouldn’t be just a random pickup–the other person/people/couple would have to be more than just a passing fancy, actual friends with some sort of connection to us…

11. I absolutely love peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches, real mayo, not that Miracle Whip crap.

12. I make the best soups and stews ever but I can’t bake for shit, unless its peanut butter cookies, then I could win prizes.

13. I hate my natural hair colour (its dark blonde with weird shades of brown, copper and platinum mixed through it, not nearly as interesting as it sounds, more like dishwater) and I can’t stand my hair being all one colour, it must be extreme whatever colours it happens to be.

14. I like long hair on other people but I can’t tolerate it on me. If it gets past my collarbones, I get this insane urge to literally shave it all off, and I have a few times.

15. I used to be an actress in a road show. We travelled around the country doing gigs in taverns, hotels and nightclubs. It was a parody/spoof of Jerry Springer and it was totally improv. It was ridiculous but it was fun and it paid incredibly well.

16. I was also a solo actress in another similar type show but I played a sex therapist and I had to tell the audiences real sex-ed facts but I had to make them funny. While doing that stint–I also had to plug sex toys, at that time, I’d never actually used any in my life.

17. I’m a Pagan Witch NOT to be confused with Wiccan. I have nothing against Wicca, I simply prefer to be solitary and I like to avoid dogma and any overly structured organized religions. I respect all paths but I certainly walk my own.

18. I do not preach or proselytize.

19. I eat meat, lots and lots of meat. I’d eat only meat except that I really like cheese, fish and eggs too.

20. I have four favourite colours–black, hot pink, toxic green and electric purple.

21. I drink beer (and other alcoholic beverages) responsibly. I do not get piss-pants drunk and scream at people, I do not drive drunk and I do not pressure others into getting drunk with me. I don’t do it often but when I feel like it–yes, I most certainly DO get smashed and let loose on the town.

22. I smoke. I’m not going to hell, I’m simply making my OWN decisions. Your car puts off more noxious gasses and toxins in five minutes of idling than I smoke in a month. Think about that before you scream at me to *butt out* or call me a heartless cancer spreading bitch.

23. I despise kids, all except my own. Someone else’s kids irritate me to no end however I love my own kids to the ends of the earth and back and I will do anything to protect them at any cost.

24. I have a very real phobia of little people or “midgets” though I know that term isn’t politically correct. Its an irrational fear and I know its wrong but I really am trying to overcome it. It shames me but its there and I’m not going to lie or try to obfuscate.

25. I’m terrified of lightning, actually storms in general. The screaming winds, shaking walls, slamming rain or hail–it can (and has) thrown me into a near catatonic state of complete and utter terror.

26. I can’t swim, and I’m not sure that I want to learn.

27. I am what I call a “recovering goth” because I was very goth in my younger years and that never fully goes away if it’s part of who you really are. Often it shows in my daily appearance. I wear my makeup somewhat dark, I am drawn to dark clothes and romantic yet morbid clothing as well as big stompy boots and other unconventional fashion decisions.

28. My mother beat the living shit out of me when I was a kid. She did stuff to me that is illegal and should be totally unconscionable, but I do not treat MY kids in that way. My mother is my reverse role model in that I will stop at times, consider the person she was and I will consciously do all I can to never make decisions even a bit similar to any that she ever made.

29. My father was my hero in every way. He taught me everything I know and he never ever let me down. He was the ultimate feminist as he understood that it wasn’t about being better but about being fair and being independant as well as self sufficient and still being strong in yourself and confident in who you are no matter what you have in your pants.

30. I am a junior high dropout. I finished half of grade seven, I went back for a second year of grade seven and was suspended part way in, I went back for a third year and was informed that I had received a “social promotion” into grade eight. I went for a total of two months, got into a huge fight with my homeroom teacher, walked out and never looked back.

31. I have a partial college degree in psychology anyway.

32. I am a digital artist.

33. I dabble in photography.

34. I am a gamer chick but only on my DSi and sometimes on my PC. I won’t go further into gaming because I have a seriously addictive personality and I know that I would be eaten alive.

35. I am an escapist, I day dream often, I fantasize constantly and I like to write it out though often, nobody ever sees the products of my twisted brain.. I destroy many of them before any ever see the light of day.

36. When I was a young girl, I actually dreamt of being an exotic dancer. I see it as beautiful, anything that requires so much passion and precision and anything that attracts so much controversy MUST be a form of art. I’ve dated dancers as well and still, having hung out in the clubs a fair bit–it has never tarnished that feeling of pure excitement at the sensuality and beauty of it all.

37. I absolutely adore coffee, from the $2 grocery store varieties to the $8 a cup cafe specials.

38. I love ethnic foods. I love Japanese, Korean, Chinese, Vietnamese. I really love Middle Eastern and some Indian however I’m not a fan of strong curries, they kinda make my head all twisty and my tummy too..

39. Vegetables cause me immense agonizing pain.

40. My favourite cocktail is a Bloody Ceasar.

41. My favourite liqueurs are DiSaronno amaretto, Carolan’s or O’Darby’s Irish Cream, Tia Maria and Bolivar (which is a coffee liquer similar to Kahlua) I usually drink them straight, poured over ice.

42. I enjoy posting artistic images online. I like to share the form, whether its myself or just a photo that has caught my attention.

43. I do not like semen on my face, ever, period. It makes my skin crawl and to me, it feels disrespectful. I’m not saying it IS disrespectful, I’m only saying thats how it makes ME feel. It feels vulgar and it totally kills the mood for me, often permanently.

44. I have many sexual hangups and issues, and I am working on them, continuously.

45. I have weird plaguing nightmares about the end of the world and nuclear holocaust.

46. I want to die before my children, my mate and my best friend because I cannot imagine living without any of them and I don’t intent to find out.

47. I do NOT believe suicide is “the coward’s way out” in fact, I find it honourable in some ways even. If I were terminally ill, it should be my right to stop and say when its my time to get off the ride. If I was catastrophically hurting in any way, including emotionally, and I knew that no amount of help was going to fix it–its my body, my right to do with it as I please, as I see fit.

48. I would kill if I needed to but only in order to protect someone I love or in order to protect myself.

49. I would not have a conscience about it and I would not harbour any guilt later.

50. I would fight for the honour of my loved ones to the death if need be.

51. I am addicted to reading online news and gossip rags.

52. I adore Java Monster and Starbucks Doubleshot canned coffee flavoured energy drinks.

53. I hate actual Starbucks coffee products.

54. I do not use marijuana or any of its byproducts, I am horribly (and possibly terminally) allergic to it. I swell up all over, I suffer asthmatic type respiratory attacks and I break out in a nasty blistery rash.  I can’t be around people when they’re smoking it or if its on their clothes and when I was living with a man who was a regular user–I had serious allergic reactions from sleeping in the same bed with him.

55. I don’t do anal sex either, I’m not allergic but due to certain medical specifics, it also has a high risk of causing me to break out in dead.

56. I talk to myself, frequently and prolifically.

57. I often answer myself as well.

58. Whenever I smell coconut, I think of Pina Coladas which in turn makes me think about my One Love which always makes me smile. We drank Pina Coladas on our first night together as “forever” and the scent will always hold a special place in my heart.

59. I tear off all my clothes as soon as I get inside, I hate being all dressed up at home, I immediately search for and put on cozy PJs or a huge comfy night shirt.

60. I am a terrible incorrigible flirt and I do talk trash but I am 100% loyal and faithful and honest to my One Love at all times.

61. I think fishnets are the sexiest hosiery a woman can wear, especially with big stompy boots.

62. I have a chemical tolerance that would make you blush. I have taken so many medications over the years for my varied illnesses and I have a super ultra metabolism, it has given me near superhuman tolerance levels. Once while at the ER, I was given an enormous dose of morphine, it should have knocked out a buffalo, instead it only gave me the relief I needed to finish talking and help explain to the nurses where the pain was…

63. The heaviest I have ever been without being pregnant was 138lbs. and I was on prednisone, without meds, the heaviest falls down to 128lbs.

64. The heaviest I have ever been while pregnant was 147lbs. and at that point I was overdue.

65. The thinnest I have ever been as an adult (and it nearly killed me) was 96lbs. it was not a choice, it was a result of serious illness.

66. I am exactly 5`7`inches tall.

67. My measurements are: 32/29/35 (32 bust, 29 waist, 35 hips) and I have a 32″ inseam. Small boobs, big ass, long legs.

68. My eyes are actually aqua but my provincial ID card says green, my legal record says blue and my medical charts say aqua.

69. My father was my fourth or fifth cousin, my mother didn’t find out until years after my father died. My father never knew.

70. My mother was born American, raised Canadian but held no legal citizenship in either country, or any country for that matter.

71. I have survived through two rapes.

72. I still like to draw with crayons and play with lego.

73. I sleep with a teddy bear, the same teddy bear I have slept with since I was eleven years old.

74. I ran away from home at age twelve and moved in with my father’s ex wife, in conversation and writings I call her “Ma” not to be confused with “Mum” who was my biological mother and not much of one at all.

75. I consider Ma to be my *real* mother and so did she.

76. I had four older brothers, two older sisters, one younger sister. One of my brothers died shortly after birth, one was murdered in 1987, two I do not speak to now. Of my older sisters, only one is actually related to me and I DO speak to her, the other one is batshit crazy, wasn’t my father’s child and has an immense chip on her shoulder because of it. My baby sister is my whole world, I adopted her after daddy died and we speak regularly.

77. I love deeply and thoroughly but I am injured just as easily.

78. I will not accept a lie from anyone under any circumstances no matter how small and innocuous it may seem. One lie and my trust for you is broken, permanently. Unless you can take many years to prove yourself and if you’re willing to do that then you’re worth keeping.

79. As a child, I had an imaginary friend, her name was Christine and she played with me when nobody else would. She also covered for me when mum was at her worst.

80. I hate the sound of whistling, it irritates the holy shit out of me.

81. I cannot stand rhythmic tapping or the sound of a spoon clinking in a teacup, it drives me nearly to violence.

82. I’m not a competitive person but I must always have the last word.

83. I hate working in groups or with a team, I’ve always been a lone wolf, always will be.

84. I have serious anxiety issues and I’ve been known to have convulsive knock down anxiety attacks in shopping malls if the crowd is too large or my mood is ripe for it.

85. I have had serious bouts of agoraphobia, meaning that I wasn’t able to go out in public at all or if I did, I needed a coach/chaperone to make sure I didn’t totally collapse into catatonia.

86. I have been suicidal, it wasn’t a cry for attention or help, I was dead serious.

87. I have respect and understanding for those who are or have been there as well.

88. I am incredibly shy but I fake being straight-forward very well.

89. I love rainbows, fireflies, dragonflies and tiny fragile flowers.

90. I don’t like to sit in the backseat of cars, it makes me motion sick and it makes me half crazy with anxiety and paranoia.

91. I can’t drive a car on pavement but I can drive like a demon on a dirt road.

92. No matter what I do, I’m never happy on looking in a mirror. People think I’m vain because I cannot pass a mirror without looking but I’m not vain, I’m actually close to horrified.

93. I am obsessed with my electronic gadgets and I couldn’t imagine a life without them.

94. I believe that someday, AI (artificial intelligence) will be sentient and will be a major contender for rights and recognition.

95. I am nice to my computers because I want them to like me if they ever DO reach independence.

96. I’m like a crow, shinies captivate me.

97. I used to fantasize about sexual escapades with the crew of the Enterprise 1701-D.

98. I am forgetful to a fault and I procrastinate far too often on too many vital things.

99. I don’t really like Christmas, I never did, and you can’t make me, I’m sorry.

100. I had a very difficult time coming up with enough things to actually fill all one hundred slots on this page!