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“Dear Females” and Other Related Issues..
December 15th, 2011, 3:37 PM | 
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I’m not even going to get into the reasons why this graphic is a bit messed up, we really don’t like being called “females” in quotes like that, it kinda ain’t very “nice” but aside from that and aside from the questionable wording in this graphic, I feel it deserves an answer because I’ve gotten this speech more than a few times from the “nice guys” in my own life.
With a few exceptions, I’ve broken this pattern I’m about to speak of. At times I did date “nice guys” that I knew. It ended badly, every single time. Either the “nice guy” turned out to be not as nice as he thought or the relationship didn’t cut it because I didn’t believe he was being totally honest with me and you’ll see why below..
I’m one of those girls, I never fucked my “best friends” mostly because they meant too much to me and deep inside I knew I wasn’t ready to settle down and make roots. If I had gotten into a relationship with them, I would have hurt them, broken their trust, projected my own baggage onto them, destroyed the special connection we had. Instead I kept them close, closer than any lover could have been. Instead of subjecting them to my commitment issues, I held them close to my soul while holding the random hookups at arms length.
I mostly (see the exceptions above) dated the guys I knew wouldn’t go anywhere, the ones I knew weren’t worth keeping, the ones I knew would be no loss when they were gone. I was smart that way because today I still have the friends that really mattered. Some grew bitter and moved on and that’s fine too. I still hope for their happiness and I hope that one day they realize that I really did do it for them. I didn’t fuck and chuck them because they mattered, they really and truly mattered.
A dear friend said that he’s just getting tired of women always saying they want a “nice guy” but totally overlooking the nice guy right there, in front of their face.
So perhaps we’re wording it wrong, not all but surely some of us? I don’t propose to speak for all of womankind but only for myself and maybe even for a few close lady friends with whom this topic has already been exhausted time and again. For myself, its usually a self esteem issue. I’m not going to lay it on the guys that I know and already love for various reasons but usually it’s because I don’t care a whole lot for myself.. Also, I’m pretty wary of guys who self identify as “nice guys” too because more often than not they’re really just trying to convince themselves that they’re mega “nice” and I have gotten burned that way too, trust me.
Many of my guy friends have expressed their pain and confusion when they seem to connect well with a woman but she totally brushes them off and then ends up with some jackass who treats her like absolute garbage. I’ve been there, a few times. In my case, I had such low self esteem that I gravitated towards guys who enforced that self-negativity. I truly believed that my “nice guys” were just “being nice” when they told me I was better than that or that I was worth more. When a guy treated me nasty, it was my goal to learn how to be so good that he’d eventually treat me good, his behaviour was my twisted validation that I really was as bad as I thought I was and that somehow I was getting what I deserved. I was so misguided and scrambled that I thought if I was better then he’d be better.
Is this right? Hell no, but what of human nature really is? Is it dangerous and toxic behaviour? Yes sir, clearly it is. Is there an easy fix? Nope. Not on your fucking life. Habits like these are hard to break, especially if you grew up with this kind of dysfunctional bullshit in your face every day. Even then though, it’s entirely possible to have self esteem issues without ever having witnessed abuse or negation. It’s something that’s just inside of you. A character trait or habit, whatever. You need to get yourself out of the mindset. Counselling, therapy, maybe just patience and growing into yourself.
Aside from all the “nice guy” and “dear female” chatter, why not simply come to a reckoning: if you’re not together then you’re not supposed to be. Maybe later but not right now. No amount of self pity or drama from either side is going to change that. You’re either with the program or you aren’t. Try not to feel so bad about what you don’t have or who you aren’t, stop trying to convince people of what you really are, and just be. That’s when shit is most likely to start coming together for you.
Just be and be the best you can be and you’ll get, eventually, the best that you can get.
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well, just to toss this into the mix- self-esteem is sexy, for and from both sexes. in my experience, most guys who have identified themselves as ‘nice guys’ also tend to have lower self-esteem. like, why can’t you just be a guy? who also happens to be nice? that ‘nice guy’ label is something they cling to like a life raft, hoping someone will be attracted to that trait alone. but you can be the nicest guy in the world… if you have no self-esteem, no confidence, then nobody is going to find you attractive. even if you look like a freaking model.
just sayin
peace and hugs!
sb
Tragic Reply:
December 16th, 2011 at 9:30 AM
@slimblue, that’s it, exactly! I just couldn’t grasp it to pull it out of this post but that’s the thing with the self proclaimed “nice guys” they’re so down on themselves but they’re pushing “nice guy” so hard, sometimes it’s exhausting, no matter how nice they really are.. And girls who are down like that must be equally exhausting to those same “nice guys” but I’d wager they don’t want to spend a whole hell of a lot of time with us either! Thank you, you’ve added immensely!
Everybody has their faults, and sometimes the “nice guys” seem to not be aware of the faults that they have. I can think of one particular guy who will most likely never get a woman because, even though he is a “nice guy”, he has absolutely nothing to offer a woman. He has no job, no car, and absolutely no ambition to better himself. Instead he tells stories about things he’s done in the past (in regards to jobs and such) that are mostly complete bullshit, in hopes of impressing someone. I can’t speak for anybody else but personally, the most impressive thing any guy can do is be honest.
Tragic Reply:
December 17th, 2011 at 12:13 PM
@country rose, I totally agree and I also know exactly what you’re talking about.. I’ve known a few others in the same boat as well and I don’t know if they’ll ever “get it” but just the same, it most often boils down to low confidence or low self esteem and everything Slim said above still applies as well as the need to just own it fully. Sometimes there’s nothing you can do at all thus I blog..
(1) The person who wrote this letter strikes me as more manipulative than “nice” (whatever that means). He complains that women aren’t giving him what he wants, despite the fact that he is doing what it is he thinks they want (or, more accurately, what he thinks they should respond to). It’s a quid pro quo kind of deal for him, not really an altruistic response. So it wouldn’t surprise me that women (a) wouldn’t mind being around him as a friend--so long as he behaves himself; and (b) that they wouldn’t bring him too close.
If he’s frustrated, it’s really his own fault. Being kind isn’t really about what it can get you. It’s about being who you are.
(2) I’ve often found it fascinating that people often interpret kindness for something pathological (e.g., low self-esteem--that darling of psychobabble) or perhaps something dangerous (e.g., losers). There are genuinely kind people of both genders who do not misrepresent who they are, and don’t feel inately inferior to anyone.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ve studied enough psychology to know that when people are deferential, others see that as a deflation in the value of the person. A person who pumps himself up for others presents us with a huge, waving red flag. It’s like a product that says it can do everything from dicing carrots to curing baldness: too good to be true. But a guy who’s a bit of an asshole exudes a certain confidence (real or not) that inflates the extrinsic value he has (i.e., the value that others place upon them). It’s a balance, really between being a bit of jerk and complete jackass. But for those who have the knack for hitting it “right in the middle,” they will have more success socially in all areas, including sex.
Then again, there are some guys who go overboard--sometimes to the point of physical violence or verbal abuse. Still, their choices in mates will be larger than the person who doesn’t inflate his extrinsic value at all. There’s a reason women are drawn to “bad boys.”
(3) As far as friendship goes, the relationships between heterosexual men and women can very well have an element of attraction or sexuality about it, and from both directions. It’s not automatic that an attraction has to be acted upon, and often there are reasons not to--social factors (e.g., marriage of one or more of the parties involved), socio-economic pressures (e.g., religious, racial, nationality differences), or personal reasons (e.g., not ready to be in a relationship, not wanting to put the friendship in jeopardy, and so forth). Usually, when friends are honest with themselves and with each other, they usually muddle their way together through these things, and they wind up fine.
Then too, I have known women (very attractive women, actually) whom I didn’t have any sexual desire for because I was too close to them emotionally. The thought of coupling with them would have almost as big a “yuck” factor as coupling with my sister (who is also a very attractive woman). Sometimes in friendship, however, one person can feel this way, while the other doesn’t. I don’t give that type of relationship very good odds of surviving, either as friends or lovers.
(3) They say “all is fair in love and war.” Though hackneyed, that’s quite true. We don’t like to acknowledge the power struggles in romance, but it’s the nature of the game. I wouldn’t say it’s always been that way, or that it has to be that way in the future. But for now, people are jerks because they’re protecting a very vunerable part of themselves. And you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize that the best defense is a good offense.
Nice, or kind people, might have a rough time with the headgames of romance. I think most of them come to realize, after awhile, that it’s not really for them. Either they have to play it on the same level as others, or withdraw from it. Unfortunately, there’s no middle ground--unless they find someone who is more like themselves in that regard. Finding potential partners who say they are nice isn’t very difficult. Finding a potential partner who is nice isn’t something I’d bet on.
Tragic Reply:
December 18th, 2011 at 2:25 AM
@X. Dell, from a man’s POV (and good man at that) thank you. This is the kind of response that I’d prayed for but never expected. There is nothing I could add or argue.