Tragic's Wake

It’s difficult right now. My heart is torn in so many directions and I’m so confused as to how I’m feeling that I don’t even have words for it. A huge part of me feels totally abandoned and another part of me knows that it had to go this way, everything happens for a reason. It’s all part of the big picture, right?

But I’m so mad and sad and scared and a plethora of other emotions that I don’t recall ever having felt before.  I can’t even vent it here because I’ve been sworn to silence for the most part. Those who need to know are down but the others, blah. I’m the one stuck in the middle watching it all come undone and yet clinging to the hope that it’s all just a big mistake, a silly error, it’ll be ok, maybe I’ll wake up and it’ll have never happened..

Maybe it would be easier if this blog was anonymous, if half my circle didn’t read it, if it was buried on the web under some silly pen name. Maybe then I could just spill it and get it out of my system and stop it from burning my guts. I don’t know. I do know that I was left with very little emotional recourse and that is the most painful aspect of it all.  Maybe I should just write a cryptic note and pray it offers some relief?

 Dear you, (you know who you are)

Why? Why did it come to this? Why did you really abandon ship? What made you just wake up and ditch everything that you spent decades building and refining? Did you think even for a minute of the consequences? The pointing fingers? The whispered doubt? If you had to do it then fine but don’t you realize that this was the worst possible time to pull a cut & run like this?

I’m hurt, hurt, HURT! And oh so fucking angry. You could have at least told me. Did you need to slam it on me the way that you did? From halfway across the goddamned country? Didn’t you trust me enough to just straight up tell me? I’ve never lied to you. I’ve never played something like this on you. Yes, it IS your life and it IS your choice but for the love of whatever is good, why in the hell did you need to do me like this?

I am being selfish, indeed. But really, don’t you think I deserved better? How many years? Think again. How long have I loved you? This is bullshit. You couldn’t possibly have fucked me worse.  Am I wrong to be so hurt? Probably. Would you be this upset? Oh yes ma’am. Yes you would, and then some. Then you try to pacify me by telling me it’s only temporary? HA! ha ha ha.

You know better than to play me like that. You told me straight up it was legit, you didn’t breathe a word about “temporary” until you knew that I was falling apart, oh yeah, and answering the endless questions on your behalf because “SURPRISE!” you’re not here to answer them yourself, nobody can contact you to ask for themselves and O.M.G if you hadn’t ditched like a bandit then you wouldn’t even have these questions. Do you even care about the position that you’ve put me in? Damn it all to bloody hell! I don’t want to cry for you, I just want to be mad, MAD! And I am..

But…

… If you change your mind, and I know you will, there is a bed here for you and hot food for your belly, love and support until you can stand on your own again, and … and me.

I love you, you fucking rotten asshole.  Fuck you.

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