Tragic's Wake

This is a difficult question because we don’t normally see how we’ve changed, it’s so much a slow evolution. In my case, especially so since I spent the last two years (and more) lying around being sick and mostly waiting to die. I guess it’s a number of small but fundamental changes that have put me where I am today..

I didn’t have much respect for the people who are supposed to help you maintain life when you’re ill; doctors, health care professionals, etc. I thought they were all just out for a buck, keeping me on the edge of death but not quite dead because there’s more profit in treating a lost cause eternally than actually fixing that lost cause so that the sickies will depend on the tiny bones they’re thrown and never get better. Just holding them there, in limbo, until eventually there’s nothing left to hold. The sicker you get, the more expensive the treatments, the higher the profit margin for anyone taking advantage of that. Canadian Medicare doesn’t exactly discourage that either. I still think that but there are a few doctors who really do believe in their cause and more every day. My surgical team, for instance. The residents who worked on my case with my senior doctors, they’re a whole new generation who really do want to heal people, no matter what the cost to them personally. They’ve somewhat restored my faith in the system..

I found that human interactions can be great but they still cut you to the bone more often than not. Trust is a valuable commodity and if you burn it, you won’t likely get it back easily. I already knew that but sometimes it’s forced upon you in ways that you never saw coming and it rips your heart like thin wet paper blowing in the wind.

I stopped expecting that everything would just work itself out. I started to realize that the bright side is often just as dark as the bad shit but its usually either the lesser of the evils or maybe even not so much and it’s just a different sort of evil and you’re damned either way anyhow.

I guess I just got really sour, bitter even. I thought my cynicism knew no bounds but as it turns out, I was just touching the very tip of the cynical bitch iceberg. I suppose it gets better, but do I really want it to? I’ve seen it all for what it is, would I go back to wearing blinders? I think not. The scales have fallen and it wasn’t pretty at all..

I’m still an eternal optimist in some people’s eyes simply because I haven’t given up totally, I’ve fought beyond a line that many folks would fear to cross.. It wasn’t optimism, it was pure stubborn attitude and defiance. Never ever count on me to do what I’m told, if it comes down to lying there and taking it or fighting to the death; I’m going down like a warrior, eyes wide open, staring death straight in the face.

“Heghlu’meH QaQ jajvam”

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