Tragic's Wake

This isn’t anything big or really important but its a swirl of thoughts that are brewing in my brain at the moment, bear with me. I know, I’m rather disjointed but I never said I was all there to begin with, meh, whatever.

So I spent a little time surfing blogs, bigger and more opinionated blogs than mine. Blogs that carry opinions on the world or other folks in the world, events, worldly weighty earth jarring matters, overall shit that I know nothing about. I don’t write that crap, why would I? I prefer my little blog existence to be drama free and in the land of the innerwebz: that generally doesn’t bring in the readers, so be it. I also never said that I wrote for anyone but myself anyhow.

I digress, as usual.

I remembered tonight why it is that I barely interact out here in blogland. I read little and comment even less. I don’t play well with others. I am a ‘Lone Wolf’ I am not a ‘team player’ and I suck at ‘community’ I’ve never been able to stomach message boards or forums, I can barely get through the comments on mainstream moderated new type blogs. I am a bad blogger. I don’t even like to pick apart another blogger’s opinion and shred it and break it down and post a ‘response’ or ‘reaction’ to it on my blog, I don’t like arguing or playing like I’m  better than the other bloggers out here.  That sort of defiance, the whole ‘not wanting to crush others’ opinions’ is why I suck at political commentary and social activism, I’m  just not cruel enough or passive aggressive enough to be considered effective, if I post an opinion, it’s my own and not something I’ve disassembled and reformed from someone else’s rejected thought train..

ACCCKKK what’s my bloody point?
I don’t know, really.

There are a few of you who come here, who have found your way to me somehow, I’m sorry, I am. Its a painful mess to try and figure out sometimes, isn’t it? I am, a painful mess that is. I seem to bitch almost continuously and never about anything juicy or relevant to anyone’s life but my own. I swear like a sailor and I can be mean to myself which generally turns off the masses because 90% of the point of blogging really is a certain amount of narcissism and/or exhibitionism. I am both of those, and I am neither, a total walking fucking contradiction.

If I rant about something: I rant on a broader scale level, about a greater picture. As I’ve said; I couldn’t even think of tearing someone down by name, not someone who runs a personal blog with personal views and opinions anyhow, I don’t want them to shred me so why would I do that shit? Passive aggressive attacks piss me off as well, to no fucking end. I know I am a P/A queen, I am a huge hypocrite, that doesn’t excuse my behaviour but I’m big enough, brave enough, ballsy enough–I bloody well admit it, freely if grudgingly–also in close to ten years out here in the www wilds: I have been victim to the greater outlaw bullying that goes on, its another part of the reason why I am so open as a person yet locked up tight as a blogger. Don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t cut my losses and shutter this blog if some asshole started attacking, I’ve done it before, its not my whole life: I’d do it again, in.a.heartbeat.

I bitch, and I bitch and I bitch some more. I also think ‘out loud’ here and I let off the pressures that come with being uniquely me, not that it is any more or less important than the next bitch with a keyboard and broadband, but I do it just the same. Whether you were here or not: I’d still do it, probably long after the banners screaming ‘blogs are dead’ have flown and been tucked away into the internet archives. Its just who I am. But I’m not a vindictive asshole. I’m not a loud mouth who needs everyone to know just how offended I am by everything up to and including what they ate for breakfast.

You know what those drama-mongers make me think of? The dreaded ‘thought police’ they scream about at least every few weeks. Oh gods don’t censor us, how then would we be able to tear down someone else and make our own pitiful existence seem that much better? How then could we watch someone else tuck tail and go home crying so that we can make ourselves feel so big and strong? Because anywhere that there is drama, there lives the punks of the net who must weigh in with their idiot two cents, myself included. And you too I’d wager, at least once in your life…

I don’t know, I don’t know, I just don’t know. Yeah, okay, I am a bad blogger and humans also have a distinct tendency to totally suck smelly ass. Tell me something I don’t know? Better yet, just tell me its okay, and that you aren’t here for the drama anyhow. I’m sure as fuck not…

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